By D. Elboy
Others looked on in disbelief including the Company Slave as JV Bouncy Castles won the Enterprise Home Nation ‘Young Home Business Award’ for 2009 at BT House in London. In the morning Doug Richie of Dragon’s Den addressed the gathered entrepreneurs of the business community, while later Mark Rixon CEO of Regus wowed the crowd with stories of how he made his first £billion. Then to the astonishment of all JV Bouncy Castles was announced winner with CEO John Randall being called to the stage to collect his prize. The on-looking company slave (sometimes referred to as Dad) considered speaking out and telling them the truth - “he keeps his empire in my garage while my car rusts outside” but he bottled out for fear of being subjected to the company disciplinary procedure. Just three days earlier the tycoon had finished runner-up as ‘Entrepreneur of the Year’ in the Basingstoke Business Awards.
Amazingly it’s all true—check him out above. Meanwhile the empire continues to grow—11 bouncy castles, a sign-written company transit van, candy-floss machine and disco lights. The van has already expanded the kingdom in to light home removals! The slave is secretly pleased as the company income is paying for the tycoon’s university fees! Meanwhile the white van means JR has also brought CHAV status to the road which has ‘delighted’ the bemused neighbours! Below we see the JV Slave trying to escape from JR's new company vehicle!
Attempted drowning leads to new birth
Reporter...S.P. Irit
In July a 15 year old, Lorna Randall, was held under water by the local Vicar at her church. Fortunately she rose up out of it to the cheering of the gathered crowd.
Minutes earlier she had bravely addressed the capacity audience telling them why she was doing it! If you want to know then just ask her! It was a great day as we celebrated Lorna’s baptism by full immersion—funny lot the C of E!
Addiction still rampant.
Reporter… Dr. G.P. Sanorak
The 2005 Herald reported that the most anorak sport since train spotting had taken possession of Ruth Randall, a no-nonsense church administrator from Chineham! This new report provides a grizzly update and describes how far this addiction has claimed her. She has now done over 800 of these bizarre treasure hunt trips stalking the local countryside armed with a Global Positioning System (GPS) that tracks data from satellites in the sky. The addiction grew stronger this year as she entered a geocaching photography competition. Amazingly the addict won—can you believe it looking at
the winning picture! (Do these cruel pushers of this phenomenon fail to realise how this just strengthens the geocaching grip on this innocent woman?). As a prize she received a new GPS plus a free all expenses holiday to Newfoundland in Canada. Her bewildered husband doesn’t even get to go with her—that joy belongs to her fellow geo-caching mate, Kay Alsop! Oh—apparently Ruth’s legs appear in the picture above and Lorna took the photo!Church of England continue to face huge challenge
By B. I. Shopcockup
The JV Bouncy Castle’s Company Slave in a desperate attempt to escape the clutches of tycoon JR (see story opposite) has started training at Salisbury to become an ordained minister! When asked for a quote he merely responded “How can I possibly fit in all this studying when there are castles to be delivered”!
D of E Success!
Reporter...I.B.T. Ired
The Herald is pleased to announce that Lorna Randall has just about completed her D of E Bronze award including a weekend away in the wilds of the New Forest!
Still going strong
Reporter...O.L.D. Codger
“Yes, he is still alive!” was Ruth’s answer when she told us she was going to see Andy Williams at the Albert Hall and we asked if he was still around! “He may not have the moves of a young man anymore, but shut your eyes and his voice is as powerful as ever” Ruth said
Why the Grand Prix leaves Silverstone?
Reporter...The Wife!
Simple—they let anyone drive there now! Guess who’s behind the wheel?
Entrepreneurs be careful
Reporter...S.U.R. Elynot
The Herald is on a campaign to reveal the truth—is it all real?! John Randall claims to have been appointed as ‘Ideas 2 Market Director’ for the Oxford Entrepreneurs—the largest student society promoting entrepreneurship in the world. Check out this website: /www.oxfordentrepreneurs.co.uk/.
Mid Life Crisis?
By U. Mustbemad
The husband stayed at home when Ruth went to Wales to celebrate her birthday by walking forwards down a 200 foot cliff in a disused quarry. “I’ll stay home and wash the dishes” said G.
Commuter Girl! By T.R. Ains
A 15 year-old girl from Basingstoke, Lorna Randall travelled to work for Oasis Trust near Waterloo for the week in June to get some work experience—great fun and a chance to get alongside her favourite charity- “Stop the Traffik”
Perfect Prefect? By G.I.R.L. Power
Lorna was made ‘Resistant Materials’ Prefect’ at Bishop Challoner School much to the annoyance of the boys in her class. “She was the only suitable candidate” said the teachers “she’s the only girl......”
Babysitting Service! By G.O. Tobed
If you are looking for someone to care for your children contact Lorna on 01256 364940. With tips from Jo Jo the Supernanny Lorna has had great success in getting children to bed before parents get home!
Christmas Present Idea? By N.U. Mbot
“I need a gel seat” was Gordon’s comment after cycling the Basingstoke Canal with Ruth in the summer. Apparently Ruth has enough padding of her own.....
Travel News by our travel correspondant
Spain-in January –John only (£2 return) - details censored!
Cornwall– Surfing in March (Lorna) Cold—Why!?
Minehead—another brilliant week in April at Spring Harvest (5,000 Christians together in Butlins – scary!) Still failed to progress in the 5-side-footy competition!
Crete—in June—John only—details censored!
Berlin—in July to celebrate 25 years of marital bliss! Great holiday mainly touring this fabulous place on bikes. (Here we see GR posing with the wife in Berlin! And RR posing with the husband)
Canada—in August Lorna Randall visited Lorna Randall—gets taken prisoner by customs on the way back at Heathrow for travelling under the age of 16 without a letter of permission from Parents!
Walking Hadrian’s Wall- August -Knackering but good fun-107 miles!
Chichester—August-Sailing-Lorna only-details censored!
Chichester—October- again, as above!
Tenerife– in September—John only—Scuba diving & various other water sports
Newquay-in October-John only– details censored!
Plus...numerous camping trips in the rain & winter—(Ruth & Lorna only) WHY?!
